61 year old mother signed up to a gym recently and is going almost every day to either pilates, something called “healthy spine”, or just to use a treadmill and some of the other machines. I don’t even have the energy to get ten minutes on the elliptical which stands in my own room. I don’t have the energy to write a page in my story. I don’t even have the energy to reply to messages on facebook.
Is it always like this? Work sapping out all the energy until there is nothing but a shell of a human left?
My mom is retired now, but she used to work A LOT. And I mean a lot. There were periods when she went to work for 7 am and didn’t come home until 10 pm. And even if she came home at a normal hour, she was always carrying some papers or her laptop, to continue working in our living room, with the mindless TV babble for a background. She never had the energy or motivation to go or do much of anything. I didn’t truly comprehend it until recently.
Before April, my work was fine. It was fine. I could leave the work at work. Now even as I lay myself to sleep, my mind is still churning, going over tasks on my ever-growing to-do list, analyzing problems, going over and over the things, and I have to tell myself: STOP. Think about something else. Anything else.
I’ve been traveling a lot for work before April, and in one of the airports (Heathrow or Frankfurt perhaps?) there was this HSBC ad that said “Not everyone reclines their mind with their seat”, and I always found it a little offensive. I counted it as a blessing to be able to balance work and life so well, divide my day into these neat phases, morning and early afternoon for work, late afternoon and evening for things I like to do, socializing, you know, life. Now this blessing is gone, and even as I walk up to my friends to hang out, I find myself talking about work, complaining how much overtime I do, but at the same time unable to steer the conversation elsewhere. I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalize.
I keep hoping that it’s temporary. That as soon as I change the scope of duties at work, this… haze I’ve been living in for the past few months will dissipate, fade away into nothingness, and I’ll get back to my normal motivational level, if not anything more. But, although change is in the air at work, it may as well take another few months. And then I’m scared because what if it doesn’t go away even after the change? What if I will always feel like this? I do not want this. Maybe I just need to push myself to start. To begin doing more, maybe I will fall into habit. But I am so exhausted. I just want to sleep all the time, or read books, or watch old episodes of TV shows. I can’t even bring myself to read new books, or watch shows I haven’t seen before.
I am drowning in apathy.