Christmas is coming.
I’m in a very bad place right now and it seems to me that it’s gonna be the saddest Christmas since the one we spent in total silence, because my father chose to give us the silent treatment. For a year. That was when I was in primary school.
My kitty is very, very sick. We don’t know if she’s gonna make it. And I know that you think, it’s just a cat, but she’s so much more to us. She’s been with us for almost ten years and she is a member of the family. I almost lost her once, when she got lost when we were in the mountains, in our friends’ house. But this is so much worse. To see her slowly passing, getting weaker and weaker and having all those lashes of hope that arise only to be shut down by bigger uncertainties… She’s not doing well. I don’t want to loose a friend, and my kitty is just as much a friend and a part of the family as any human would be. I don’t want to loose her and she’s not doing well.
My mom was taken into the ER yesterday. She has pancreatic problems, she has had an operation some time ago and she’s better now than before, but still there are times when it attacks and yesterday was one of those days. She told me only today. She doesn’t want to worry me, but it only makes things worse. I love her beyond reason, more than anything or anyone else, we have the connection that not many mothers and daughters have. We have our differences and I can’t exactly tell her everything – not yet, anyway, but someday I will – but she’s been always my biggest support in life and my best friend. We have never had an argument. We disagree sometimes, we don’t have the same priorities, we upset each other sometimes, but we have never ever had a real fight, even when I was a teenager. Teenage girls are supposed to have fight with their mothers. I didn’t have even one.
Of course I worry. She does all the time too. It’s probably genetic, my grandma is a worrying-too-much type too. And yet with all the worrying my mom never banned me from doing what I wanted, to reasonable extent, of course. She always had faith in me and my sense of responsibility. Sometimes I didn’t deserve that.
My uncle lost a suit against his old co-worker who cheated on him for millions of zlotys. Apparently she bribed every judge on her way. My unlce is gonna be forced to sell his beautiful house and his awesome car and he already has alimony to pay for his two previous wives and three kids from those marriages. He has his third wife, who is a PE teacher in high school (or maybe it’s a middle school? Anyway, her salary is minuscule) and two children, boys of 7 and 9 years, from that third marriage, to provide for. So we made a general consensus that there will be no presents this year, except for the boys. Kids deserve to have some kind of normal Christmas, they don’t need to understand how bad things are.
And we won’t have presents either. I couldn’t care less. We payed around 600 zlotys for my kitty’s treatment and we’re gonna pay more if it’s necessary. I just want my kitty to be okay.
But all in all, it’s gonna be a very sad Christmas. And right now I’m in such mindset that I can’t look past that. I know I’m set for awesome New Year’s party and then to go to Gdańsk to see Cirque du Soleil’s Saltimbanco, and to go to Glee Live in London in June, and to get a traineeship in European Parliament for July and August, if I can. But it all seems so distant now. Like how can I ever be happy again if my kitty’s not gonna be here? I still hope she’ll get better, but it’s starting to be very difficult to stay positive. And I know it doesn’t work like that, grief is not perpetual. But I know this with my mind, my heart says otherwise. And I just can’t get over what my heart is saying right now, no matter how I try.
I’m sad.
Meet Mefisto.
Mefisto is a cat. Not mine – my Dzidzia doesn’t live with me, but with my parents, despite the fact that she was a present for my 13th birthday.
Mefisto is my flatmate’s cat, but obviously, he spends time with me as well. Especially that when Bastet’s gone for the weekend to visit her parents, he stays with me (unless we’re gone at the same time, then Bastet takes him with her).
He is a very nice cat, though can be also a little erratic. You should have seen the scars he leaves after half an hour of playing… it’s fortunate that they disappear after few days. Someone might think I’m cutting myself.
Mefisto has also the ability to do exactly what bothers me the most in the given moment.
This photo was taken from my cell phone as I tried to study to the Arabic Literature exam. Tonight, when I really needed to exploit every minute of sleep I had (and I didn’t have a lot, some 1,5 hour), Mefisto came and tried to get into my wardrobe, making a lot of noise while at it. Then, as I put him out of my room and closed the door, he apparently tried to scratch his way back in. Through the door. (It’s okay, he didn’t do any damage, but the noise kept me awake for some time, until the tiredness kicked in and I finally fell asleep.)
But other than that, he’s wonderful. I love cats (I am a “cat person”. I like dogs too, but nowhere near as much as I love cats). They’re fascinating and cute, sociable and independent at the same time.
Right now, Mefisto is sleeping on my bed, curled up like a baby. It’s just so… awwwww-ish ;)
