There’s nothing but clothes in my closet. Except for occasionally a cat.
This past few weeks have been really crazy for me. Starting with Christmas that hasn’t been as bad as I thought it might be, all the way through New Year’s party we had in the mountains, in my friend’s parents’ house, and “Saltimbanco”, the Cirque Du Soleil show we attended in Gdansk, northern Poland, to an exam that I blew and had to retake. There have been meetings with friends, emotions, much tv shows watching, learning, revising, nervousness, drinking, sheesha smoking, working, translating… Stuff happening. You know, living.
But nothing compares to what happened this weekend. You know, I bought a dress – first one since my prom, and that was some four years ago – and went to church, just to please my mom. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I talked to my mom and came out of the closet.
Recently I’ve been involved in creating a group of volunteers, a group that strives to work for the good of the lgbt community. This is happening quickly, we’re in the middle of creating a foundation, because we need to be legally registered to be able to try out for grants from the state, the EU and some NGOs. And I am to be a member of the board of said foundation. This means my name will be officially displayed in the court legal register. I am also to be the treasurer of the foundation. So I could really use my mom’s expertise when it comes to taxes, bookkeeping and stuff, since my mom is an accountant.
The problem was that she didn’t know I am bisexual. She does now.
We went to a shopping centre yesterday, me and my mom. I needed new jeans (I ended up buying a jeans, a top end a dress). I knew I needed to tell my mom, but I didn’t want my dad to be around for this. If I ever get a girlfriend and want to present her to my family, that’s when my dad and my brother will know. I don’t feel the same internal urge to be absolutely honest with them as I do with my mom. They were never really interested in my social life anyway.
So I told my mom I needed to talk to her alone. We went to a coffee shop, got a tea (I know, taking tea in a coffee shop must be some kind of a blasphemy) and talked.
It was one of the hardest things in my life, to just start speaking about this. If not the hardest. I love my mom so much, she’s been my major and sometimes only support throughout all the crap I’ve been through. I would never want to hurt her. And even though I knew my mom is tolerant, I also knew she’s Catholic. It made me unsure of how she might react. I was afraid she wouldn’t take me seriously, she would say it’s just a phase, that I couldn’t possibly know what I want in life. I was partly right.
I don’t remember what words exactly I used. I know I started with the foundation and that I really wanted her to know this. I said I was identifying myself as a bisexual, that is, that I like both boys and girls. And that I might create a relationship with a boy, someday, but it might happen that it will be a girl. I told her I used to be in love with a boy and with a girl, and that if she thought carefully, she’d know with whom. I said that it wasn’t long since I’ve admitted that to myself. She didn’t say a word, and when I stopped talking, she remained silent. She haven’t said anything for so long that the stress almost ate me up from the inside. But I felt like I had to give her time to process this. “Say something, please”, I said at last, when I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve never been so tense in my life. Finally she started talking; her words were slow and careful, I saw her struggle to shape them just right. She didn’t want to hurt me. I was dropping a bomb on her, and she didn’t want to hurt me. I feel like crying when I think about that.
But she said she felt like I didn’t know what I was saying. How could I know what I liked if I had no experience? (She was spot on, I don’t have any; does it make me lame?) I asked how straight kids know they’re straight? They don’t need to experiment to be sure. And I was in love in someone of the opposite sex, but I was in live with a person of the same sex as well. I know who I am. She said she just didn’t want me to close any doors for myself. Our world is so not prepared for this. It would take years before people could accept this. But I insisted this is the time to act. Now. It’s a historic moment, and I don’t like learning history, I want to make it. That is why I am getting involved, I believe we can change the world. It starts small. It starts now.
And then something incredible happened. She said she didn’t care. She just wants me to be happy, no matter with whom. I could barely contain myself, I told her how much I loved her and hugged her closely. She said she still didn’t believe I am inclined towards both girls and boys (she avoided the word “bisexual”), but she thought I just wanted to stay open. I agreed. The important thing is that if I ever do come home with a girlfriend, she won’t mind. She told me she would prefer me being with a man, but whatever makes me happy. Also she wants grandchildren. I reminded her I’m sick, so there’s a possibility I won’t be ever able to have children of my own, or that I will have to use In Vitro. But adoption seems like the most probable solution. If ever. But I would want to have children one day; adopted or mine, that’s secondary.
So now my mom knows. She knows I think of myself as a bisexual, even if she doesn’t exactly believe that it’s true. She knows I’m in that lgbt group, and that we’re getting involved, and that we’re creating a foundation. She knows, and I feel three times lighter. Like I’ve been liberated. It felt similar when I told my friends.
I also feel like I don’t deserve all this. All this… acceptance. People liking me the way I am. I never believed it could be possible, not for me. I was such a lonely, sad child. I missed out on a lot, but it’s only now that I realize that in order to get others to accept you, you have to first accept yourself. For me, the process of being freed has been long – started in high school already, but it picked up speed only when I moved to Kraków and started my studies. I have now three sets of friends I love insanely, and they like me and support me even though I am far from flawless. But who is? Before I talked to my mom, I knew I would have to do it, and I was nervous, and though my decision was already taken, I needed an emotional support. And I got it. I got it from Ola and her boyfriend when I went to visit them, I got it from my Sabbath when they came over, I got it from my friends from far away through Twitter. It calmed me and made me stronger. And I am infinitely grateful for this.
And I want to be a support to them too. To other people. I want to give back the good I’ve received.
I am so blessed.
I am back!
I was gone way too long. So many things have happened in that time! In my life, in the world, in myself. This post will be only an update on my recent doings, but I promise I’ll be back with my pointless babble in no time. After all, I’m doing it mostly for myself. Though I appreciate HUGELY every comment and every visit to this blog. Sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not talking only to the mirror.
Anyway, last time I wrote I was saying that my exam session was going well. And it did – with one little exception. I flunked the oral Italian exam. It was entirely my fault (though I really wanted to blame Glee for that, I can’t, it was me who preferred watching it and reading Dalton instead of actually learning). But the consequences are just not fair. Usually when you fail an exam, you get to retake it in September and all is fine. I get to retake it too, but because I need to pass all my exams before my BA exam, I couldn’t get BA now, as everybody else, I have to take it in September too. And that means I can’t apply for the studies of secondary level, the MA studies. Everyone will get in before I even get my BA. My only hope is that there will be the second enrollment in September and I’ll get in then, but it’s not certain and I might be facing the possibility of loosing an entire year. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself in that case. Of course I’ll apply for MA studies next year, but in the meantime… I’ll have to find a job. And what if I can’t? What if I have to go back to my parents’ home and leave everything I have here behind FOR A FREAKING YEAR?! Not mentioning that my roommate would be in extremely difficult situation, having to find a new roommate very, very fast and all.
Or maybe I’ll just go to Warsaw, get a visa and come living in USA for that gap year. I’m not joking – I’m seriously considering a year in USA as an au-pair or a nanny. I’ve been in France twice for summer vacations exactly to do this – be an au-pair, so I have some experience. I speak decent English. The family would provide me with accommodation and some pocket-money. I’d have to use all my savings from France just to get the plane ticket, but one day I’ll have to use it anyway, so why not for this? I really want to visit USA – and not only travel as a tourist, I want to feel this country, live there for a while, just like I did with France.
But all this is a consideration, in case I don’t get in to my MA studies. I really really really hope I will.
I had a serious breakdown when I found out about this. A darkest day of my life since high school, or maybe even since middle school. I was hysterical, crying all the time, wanting to curl up on my bed and never ever get up. But I got over it and next day I was fine. And I am fine.
Surprisingly fine. Better than I ever was, actually.
And I don’t know if this is because of that flunked exam, or because of my new internship, or because of Glee, but I am feeling better in my skin than I ever felt. Like I’ve been reborn. Everything is new. I’m looking at the world with wide eyes and feeling it more intensely than ever. I’m not afraid anymore.
And that’s probably the biggest change: the one in me. And I guess I have Glee to thank for that. But this is a topic for another post. Because you probably raise your eyebrows right now, thinking how silly I am saying that a simple show (and not the best quality one, as I’m sure some of you might think) could make that big of a difference. Well, it did. It showed me something very important; more than that: it made me believe it. Something no one could do until now. But as I said, it’s a topic for another time.
There’s another thing that happened while I was gone from here: the History of French Language Exam. I got a decend grade from it, but two of my best friends weren’t that lucky. The teacher had done something unforgivable and frankly just criminal – opened our private e-mail even though the girls were protesting. It’s against the Constitution of Republic of Poland, let alone the penal code. Moreover, in one of the e-mails he found a silly name that someone made up for him. I can’t stress that enough: it was our private correspondence. He had no right to read it. But he did and then abused the girls for it verbally to the point they left the room crying. We are trying now to file an official complaint agaist that guy. I am just disappointed in our colleagues: the whole year that teacher was mean to all of us and with what he did to those girls… it’s unforgivable. But the whole class, with a few exceptions, says they won’t even sign that complaint because it’s not their business. Really, I thought we were more of a group than that. But okay, they don’t want to, we’re not going to force them. I just think it’s opportunistic and cowardly from their part. I wasn’t in the room when it was happening either and I am going to do everything I can to make that guy pay for what he did. Not just because it’s my friends we’re talking about, but because it’s the right thing to do. My blood pressure is still raising every time I think about it.
Another thing is more cheerful (sort of): I started my second internship. I work at the office with some pretty jolly gals doing mostly what I do for that first internship: spell checking and proofreading the translations, fixing the formatting and stuff. Recently I also did some other things, like filling forms concerning freelancer translators who work with us. Very, very annoying stuff – boring as hell. But I’m an intern, so I do what I’m told to do. I gain experience. And when I’m done, it’s gonna be a huge advantage in any attempts to get a real job in the future. I hope.
Also? I got totally addicted to Tumblr. And I’m translating “Dalton”, a Glee AU!Klaine fanfiction, into Polish. It’s all fluffy and not at all realistic, but I love it anyway. Huh.
And yesterday, for the first time in my life, I got a little drunk. I have a very strong head and usually I get just a little buzz in my ears at most, I honestly don’t know why yesterday was so different. T’was a strange experience. Not at all unpleasant (I was just slightly out of control, singing, dancing and saying silly stuff, but nothing more disorderly), but also not sky-high cool. I mean, it was fun when it lasted, but right now I’m a little embarrassed for myself. I can’t think how I would feel if I did something really stupid. Or if I couldn’t remember what I did.
(I know I’m 22 and I should have this kind of experience long behind me (legal age in Poland is 18), but what can I say? I am usually a good girl. And I really have a strong head.)
Oh, and I have totally rainbow nail polish on right now, Darren Criss style. Also his pink sunglasses. That is a real obsession, ya know :D
(I also want a sea monkey wrist aquarium, just like Chris Colfer’s, but I guess finding it would be a little problematic, since that sorts of things are not popular in my corner of the world.)
And that’s pretty much all for now. Thanks for putting up with me and see you soon ;)
The Blessed One.
I was looking at my old blog. It’s still out there. It covers the period from 2004 to 2008, though the last two years are very sketchy. I was a teenager then. And all is there: my tears, my depression, my suicide almost-attempt, my teenage little problems and little joys, and my stupid, banal, childish reflexions. Today I went back to the archive, to April 2005. Do you know what I wrote in the evening on April 2nd?
I wrote:
I was waiting for that miracle. I believed in it.
God, you took a man who meant too much…
There are no tears in me now.
And the next day:
“Jesus, I trust in You.*”
And the next day:
I’ll permit myself to quote Wisława Szymborska:
“Someone was always, always here,
then suddenly disappeared
and stubbornly stays disappeared”
And then I went to Krakow for the funeral. And it was something really amazing. I can’t believe it’s been so many years already.
I still feel as if He’s right there, beside me, waiting for something.
And sometimes I can’t help but feel that I disappoint Him. But then again I remember something like the sermon I heard today. My cousin’s First Communion was marked by a priest that preached in his sermon that we shan’t vote for people who want to pass the In Vitro bill, because it’s not christian. Moreover, he implied that people who are not Catholic are worthless and halfwits. I literally got up and left the church. Couldn’t listen to him.
And so there are constantly two images of Church in me: one with our Pope’s face, reassuring, tolerant, ecumenical; and the other one with a face of angered Father Editor with his Maybach, shouting invectives at people who don’t agree with him. Sadly, there is many, many, many more priests with the second face on. Thus, I am not sure if I even want to be a part of Catholic Church anymore. (There is more to that, but it’s a part of the reason I tell people that I am a Catholic With Doubts or a Theist.)
* For those of you who haven’t heard about the Painting of Saint Faustyna Kowalska: click!
Life without Internet sucks.
Hello, my friends. I’m sorry to have disappeared. I was offline due to the sheer stupidity of TP SA, which, until now, was my Internet provider. My connection was kind of wonky all the time since I moved to my actual apartment, but it was cut off for good some month ago. So there I was, without an access, desperately trying to find a new provider that I’d trust and my roommate would approve. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bastet, but if she hesitated over the decision any longer, I’d bang her in the head. With a bat. Plush bat.
Me and my plush bat. In a pink outfit.
(What? Don’t you have a plush bat on your shelf?) (Alright, alright. I’m explaining: one of my nicknames in the Internet is “Chauve-Souris”, which in French means “bat”. So I have many things linked to that animals, like a plush bat. or a clock in the shape of a bat. Or a little Dracula-bat hanging from my cell phone. And then some.) (So, why the Count (Yep, that’s my plush bat’s name. Did I mention that I love to give names to inanimate objects?) is wearing pink? It’s not my invention. My friend did this to him during a fantasy convention in Lublin. Strange things always happen there.)
Anyway, here I am, with a new provider, Internet working like a charm. But it wasn’t easy. And I don’t mean socially – although, of course, I missed every bit of my virtual social life and I’m so happy to be back! – but simply studying is hard without the Internet.
Everything is done through the Internet now. We have this giant called USOS, which is a site on which you sign up for classes, obligatory and optional, you get all the information, documents, everything. It doesn’t work that well, but it’s there and it’s important. But what’s even more important is that every class has its own e-mail address now and all our professors contact us on these addresses. They send materials to prepare, information, questions, demands, everything. For example, my Descriptive Grammar of Arabic prof sent an e-mail on Tuesday that she moved our classes from Thursday to Wednesday morning. I didn’t have Internet, so I didn’t know that and I didn’t go. If I knew, I still wouldn’t go, because Wednesday morning I have another classes on my other faculty, the one that is more important to me, but still.
And it’s not only that. I use Internet as a great source for knowledge. When I write a story, I make extensive research, and I need Internet for that. Yesterday, for example, I was trying to figure out how a vampire could break into the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., steal a certain Prud’hon painting and get away with it. As it turns out, there’s not that much information about ways of breaking into the Gallery – could have figured that out on myself – but there are things like what’s on view and where exactly, which make a writer’s life so much easier. I still have to use my imagination for that, but at least I’ll be closer to the truth, more authentic. If it’s not authentic, it doesn’t feel real, and if it doesn’t feel real, it’s not very good writing.
But without that? I could live, for a time. What I can’t live without are dictionaries. I mean, every day I’m writing something in some language, whether it’s French, English, Italian or Arabic. I have a small paper dictionary of French and Italian, but it’s not enough for my leve, and I have no English or Arabic dictionary, so the Internet is my only resource. It really helps.
And, besides, I really missed my Internet entourage. Both Polish and foreign. Even more foreign than Polish, ’cause to my best Polish net friends I have other means of contact – a cell phone number, for that example. But to my friends abroad? No way of contacting them without Internet. And let me tell you, it just sucks.
Meme time!
I haven’t had an Internet access since Saturday, though maybe it’s a good thing, since I couldn’t waste my time on the Internet when I should spend it studying. Instead, I wasted it watching Mythbusters and crappy movies. Well, what the hell. I kicked the exam session in the butt after all. Yes, you read right – I’m all through it ! I finally passed the Arabic test, got a 4 (this would be your B, I presume) from Arabic Linguistics and also a 4 from Islam and thus finished the session with an average of 4,3. On Arabic Philology, ’cause on my Romance Philology I had only one exam, Theory of Literature, and I got a 5 (an A). Yeah, I am bragging right now.
But anyway. Today was the last exam (Islam) and tomorrow start the normal classes. Because of this damn extended session I didn’t actually get any spring break, but at least it’s over now. And the Internet’s back, right on time.
So, I’ve been tagged by Polish Mama on the Prairie. This is how it works:
It all started with Scottish Mum’s post:
“I have seen lots of posts about what we struggle with, or things that we like to do, and I’d like to find out a bit more information about all of you. This is my way of doing it. I am looking forward to visiting some of you on the blog hop.”
What you cannot choose. The Rules are Simple
“We all know that blogging/facebook/twitter is in our arena of what we like to do, so I am going to rule them out as one of the 5 that you can post about. They really are not very girly. Likewise, phones, computers, ipads are all out of the running. I am challenging myself to this, as I am really not a girly girly type of person, and I want to find that within myself. It’s not all about power suits, filofaxes, ipads and designer phones.
If you want to pass this along, pick bloggers that you want to find out more about, and challenge them to write up their 5 secret passions that make them feel good. The idea is to lift our spirits this week. The fact that there is a linky added, just makes it all the more worthwhile in doing.”
So, my Top Five:
- This won’t come as a surprise, but I am absolutely nuts about literature. I read my first real book at the age of 5. It was “The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe” by C.S. Lewis. I actually don’t remember this, it’s my mom who told me about it, I think. My whole family is kinda nerdy that way. My mom used to read books under her covers when they were supposed to sleep (I tried to pulled the same stunt, but sharing a room with a 6 years older brother does not facilitate things). My father is a long-time member of the “Book World”, which requires its members to buy something from its catalogue every three months and in return, gives big discounts. My brother used to really irritate me by lighting his lamp and reading very late in the night when I was trying to sleep. Until I started to do the same. I suspect we have more books in our home than clothes. I am also kind of a writer. So far, I’ve written only short stories published on the Internet, but I also wrote a book that I’m trying to get published. Really. I didn’t get much success so far, but I have a lot of time – and, unfortunately, it’s hard to make a debut in Poland, especially with a book. It’s easier to get published with a short story in a magazine.
- This won’t be a surprise either, but I’m also absolutely nuts for the Middle Ages. I love this period, it fascinates me big time. I’m especially tuned into the matière de Bretagne, the Arthurian legends. I may not be a real expert, but I certainly know a lot more than an average passer-by. I actually read the first versions of the legend, the French one, those of Chretien de Troyes and the Vulgate (well, I haven’t read all the Vulgate, it’s much too big, but still). If you ever had a question about Arthur, ask me. Even if I don’t know the answer, I’ll know where to look for one. I also enjoy reading and watching the recent versions of the legend, though sometimes they frustrate me a lot. (I mean, come on, Merlin BBC is a crappy tv show, it has absolutely nothing to do with the legends besides names, and I still watch it and actually like it.) The best recent version of Arthurian legend? “The Mists of Avalon” by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It’s not very accurate to the actual legend, but it’s very well written and very interestingly composed, ’cause everything is told from the point of view of female characters of the story, mostly Morgana, but also Guenevere and Igraine and others. It’s also very mystic and a little disturbing. Very good book. And if you’re looking for a movie, I’d recommend “Perceval le Gallois”, but I guess you wouldn’t understand it without the previous lecture of Chretien de Troyes. I know I wouldn’t. Other than that there is no really good adaptation. “Merlin” from 1998, the miniseries, is quite good at some points, but crappy at others. “King Arthur” has hardly anything to do with the legends. “Excalibur” is just plain wrong; I mean, it’s a crappy movie. It’s just boring. I can’t wait till April, when the new series starts – “Camelot”. I have high hopes for this!
- I don’t smoke cigarettes (I never actually even tried, and I don’t feel like I’m gonna ever try), but from time to time I really enjoy shisha. Usually I smoke it in the Tea Shop, when we gather with friends, get one shisha for several people and pass along the tube. But when I was in Egypt this last september, I bought my own shisha. It’s not very big, but really pretty. I smoke it once every two months, if not rarer, but I still love it. It makes me light-headed in a happy, positive way.
My Egyptian shisha
- From time to time, I like to play some computer games. I don’t do it much, because I don’t have time for this, but it’s a great way to relax sometimes. I play RPGs mostly, my favorites being Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines, Neverwinter Nights II, Planescape Torment and Knights of the Old Republic II. I like Civilisation, the Settlers and Heroes of Might and Magic too, though they are not RPGs. Usually, I prefer RTS to TBS, but Civilisation and Heroes are really great.
- I love to wake up in the morning, look at the clock and realize that I don’t have to get up. I love to just lay in the warm bed in the morning, on the verge between the dream and the reality, not quite conscious yet, but also not sleeping anymore. I love the feeling that I don’t have to do anything, I can stay there, in the warmth, and daydream as long as I want. It’s fabulous.
(Ok, I talk way too much.)
And now, I still don’t have all five people I could tag (not with PolPrairieMama tagging me and Ewa), so I’ll tag the two I can ;)
And tomorrow I’m going home, at last, to see my parents for the first time in month, so I’m quite excited. I’ll get back to you after the weekend then, if Internet will work, of course. Have a great end of the week :)
Stylish Blogger Award, thus: meme.
I thought meme is a thing only characteristic to livejournalers, but apparently, I was wrong. Yesterday I was awarded with “Stylish Blogger Award” by Polish Mama on the Prairie. I felt really flattered, because I’m just starting to blog and I feel that I don’t do such a great job. (I blame my language skills.) Thank you, @PolPrairieMama! (If you were wondering if this is a subtle hint to follow her on Twitter then you were right. Though I don’t know about that subtlety.)
I have a problem with the meme, though. I am so “new” to this world that every person I’d like to award has either already been tagged by someone else, or is so well-known, famous and great that they intimidate me to the point that I will not even try to tag them. Or both. I’m lame that way, I know.
So, I’m gonna leave it open; I’ll just do the first part.
- Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
- Share 7 things about yourself.
- Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers.
- Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
So, 7 random things about me:
- I don’t want to get old. I plan to live my life as well as I can, at full speed, and not look back. Thus, I will probably die young. And guess what? It doesn’t bother me a bit.
- I have a very sarcastic and abstract sense of humour. I also use irony at the daily basis. This is why some people don’t understand me and think that I’m a freak. (Well, I am, but not because of the irony.)
- My mother is one of my best friends. I tell her almost everything and call her every single day. And I miss her like crazy when I can’t visit her at least once every two weeks. (Like right now, for example.)
- I’m politically aware and I try to be active, but I lack the candidates that would satisfy my beliefs. I’d need to combine the economic right with social left and merge them into one party and that seems to be impossible. (Bare in mind that I’m talking about Polish politics; when I think America, I think Democrat.)
- I suffer from two separate, chronic, incurable diseases. None of them is in itself life-threatening, just really annoying. And I also wear glasses. My health issues seem to be all interconnected and have some very irritating symptoms.
- I used to have English classes at high school, but when I left school (and thus – the classes ended) I was only at B2 level at best. Then I started to watch American tv shows with Polish subtitles. But I wanted to watch also “The West Wing” and there were only English subtitles; so I watched with them. It helped me a lot and now I don’t need any subtitles anymore to watch anything (except House, but that’s because of the medical vocabulary that’s mostly unfamiliar to me even in Polish). I’m quite proud of that fact.
- I love everything medieval. This period fascinates me and excites my imagination a lot.
I am sorry I cannot tag anyone else. I truly am. Maybe sometime in the future, if I settle down more as a blogger, I will be able to get back to this post and award someone who hasn’t been tagged yet. (And who doesn’t intimidate me so much. Because, seriously, I love Loralee or Erin, but I’m too much a chicken to tag them. And PolPrairieMama, Ewa and Ruth have all been already tagged.)
